Delivered!

God has delivered me from my Coke Light/Diet Pepsi (depending on where I am in the world) addiction! 

I might have lost some of you right there! 

Some of you might not think that Diet Pepsi can be an addiction and therefore I don’t need to be delivered from it.  It may seem strange to you that I would use the word addicted that is usually reserved for more harmful behaviors like smoking, excessive drinking, gambling, etc.

Or, some of you aren’t sure what I mean by “God has delivered me” and you think I’ve prayed to ask God to help me quit drinking it. 

Or you might think God isn’t that interested in something that small, and I’m making too big a deal of it and if I want to quit, just need to quit with good old-fashioned will power!

Others of you read that first line and shouted a good old-fashioned “Hallelujah!”  That would be those of you who have been after me for years to quit drinking Diet Pepsi, or at least quit drinking so much.

25 years in fact. 

That’s how long I’ve been drinking four to seven Diet Pepsi’s a day, every day.  For the last 25 years.  Sometimes more when I’m in the US and happen to eat out for lunch and dinner, that can easily hit 10-12 Diet Pepsi’s with all the free refills offered at a meal. 

The point is, I never not drank it.  From about 9am til the last thing I did before I brushed my teeth every night.  All day long, I drank Diet Pepsi.  I never ran out, I took it to people’s houses with me, I knew where my next Diet Pepsi was coming from, always. 

That’s an addiction friends.

I’ve known that for a long time, and joked a little about it.  Mostly to deflect anyone trying to talk too seriously with me about it.  But an addiction of any kind, even to something as small as soda, is not honoring to God in the life of a Christian. 

Last Saturday morning, before I got out of bed, I was talking with the Lord about a few different things, and I honestly cannot remember the sequence of our conversation, but after about 30 minutes, I thought, “well, I guess you want to deliver me from Diet Pepsi!”  I hadn’t gone to bed the night before with any of this on my mind, I had no intention or desire to quit, other than the vague sort of “I really shouldn’t drink all this soda” sort of thoughts every so often.  I hadn’t felt any particular conviction over it.

But Saturday morning, as I said, I can’t recall how it came about, but I knew that God would deliver me if I were willing to allow him to.  Many years ago, God delivered me from smoking cigarettes overnight as well, but I was pretty immature then and, with figurative hands on my hips, declared, “I’m not doing the will-power thing because I don’t want to quit!  if you want me to quit God, you’re going to have to take the whole desire away!”  And He did!

This time I was a little more mature and said that I would be willing to try the hard way of will=power if that is what God was asking of me but I would really prefer if he would completely deliver me from the addiction and desire.  And He did!

I got out of bed, took the 18 Coke Lights (that’s what I drink here in Africa) that were supposed to last me for the weekend out of the fridge, took my cool cups out of the freezer and haven’t had a sip since.  I’ve offered it to people who have drank it in front of  me, I have sold the almost 50 cans I had in stock, and have not even once had to utilize will-power or ask for help to avoid giving in and drinking some.  The desire is gone.

Now what isn’t gone are some of the habits and it has been interesting sorting through this.  I think it’s kinda like the role a cigarette plays in a smokers life, aside from the physical addiction.  It’s something to do.  When I walk in the house – I pop one in the freezer to get extra cold.  When I step out of the house for 20 minutes or so and still have an open can, I pop it in the fridge to stay cold, and when I get home, pull it out and take a drink and say “aahhh!”  Especially here in the hot African weather!

I’m used to walking in after a stressful encounter with a misbehaving boy and having a soda to enjoy.  I’m used to having my salty snacks like popcorn and sunflower seeds and savoring them with my soda.  I’m used to having a soda by my side ALL THE TIME!  I have had the taste of Diet Pepsi in my mouth non-stop for 25 years – it’s weird without it!  I keep brushing my teeth! 

In a weird way, I feel a bit bored without it and a bit discombubulated, like things are out of sorts.  Isn’t that weird, that a beverage can have that effect?

The lovely, inspiring and amazing Corrie ten Boom, in her book Tramp for the Lord (which I HIGHLY recommend) talks about deliverance and being set free.  She says that sometimes, after being set free we experience thoughts or temptations, or in my case, habits, that can cause us to question if we are really free.  But she uses the example of church bells to explain what happens.  When someone is ringing the bells, their hand is on the rope, actively causing the bells to ring.  When the person lets go of the rope, the bells still swing back and forth, slower and slower until they stop altogether.  Until the echo fades away.  She said the thoughts that come after deliverance are like that echo, but they fade and disappear in time, if we don’t start “ringing that bell again.”  I’m paraphrasing her and she said it so much better but it sure made sense to me. 

I know that very soon, the “echoes” of the habit of my soda-drinking will fade and disappear altogether. 

I also know that God has 100% delivered me from this addiction and I am so grateful! Praise the Lord, oh my soul! He is able to more than we can ask or imagine!

If Only . . .

I can be pretty hard on myself sometimes.  I want to do the right thing all the time and if I feel I haven’t, I can go over and over it in my mind.  I want to be perfect.  (Hah!)  And if I’m  honest with myself, it’s  not as much because I want to be Christ-like as it is because I want to be liked. 

I just read a brief article in In Touch magazine by Charles Stanley about regrets that really gave me some food for thought in this area. 

1.  “Regret didn’t make my decisions any wiser or more godly – just more bewildering and wearisome.”  By allowing regret to take a strong hold after a poor decision, the author got trapped in second-guessing all her other decisions, always trying to make the perfect choice.    I can relate to this.

2.  “Bondage of guilt doesn’t come from the Lord.  He calls us to repent, not regret.”  I love this.  Repentance is freeing (as we are celebrating this Easter Sunday), regret is a lead weight that holds us down. 

When I look at those precious faces in the photo above, I usually see two main things:  1.  Gorgeous little boys whom I adore, and 2. Gorgeous little boys whom I feel I don’t do enough for.  I have these kind of constant mini-regrets lingering in my mind of all the things I wish I could do with and for my boys but don’t.  All the ways I’m not perfect. 

This isn’t a traditional Easter post in any way, but as I write this on Easter, I am reminded how very grateful I am that I don’t have to be perfect.  That while I was still a sinner, Christ died for the forgiveness of my sins.  That I don’t have to live under the weight of regret but I can repent, when necessary, and receive the forgiveness of my Lord.  And, when I have nothing to repent of but am beating myself up that I can’t do more-be more-fix more, I am reminded that God’s love for me is still the same.  He doesn’t expect me to be perfect.  He is perfect for me. 

Easter 1985 and 2013

Easter 1985 - I went to church with my cousins, Jeff and Maureen Siegel and that began my relationship with Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  In October of that year, I told the Lord, “I want to serve you every day for the rest of my life” and although I haven’t done that perfectly, I have never turned back.

Easter 2013 - we had church on the soccer field for our center and also for whoever wanted to come from the community.  Our director Steve asked for a volunteer from several categories, including missionaries, to share a brief testimony of Easter in their lives.  I nearly ran to the front, no other missionary stood a chance!

I briefly shared my life before – high school dropout – twice! – drugs, drinking, smoking, etc., and my general rebellious attitude toward life.

Then I shared how my cousins invited me to church on Easter in 1985, and my life has never been the same since.  I am so grateful for my eternal life but also for my new life here on earth.

The crowning moment – one of the boys here in the center, a teenager now, who used to live in my dorm, sent me a facebook message to tell me he was blessed by what I shared.  Then he wrote, '”Thank u 4 caring me when i was young.”  What a blessing!

Thank you Lord for the meaning of Easter!

Children’s Day -

Preparations have begun!!!  Here’s some 30ish pairs of trousers (so I have the right assortment of sizes) to be paired up with the soon-to-be-bought shirts which will become the boys’ new outfits on  June 1!

These piles are according to size – I have the most size 5-6 year olds.  My boys are smaller than the average bears!

So fun!

“Hmm,” I thought . . .

THIS:

doesn’t look like

THIS:

(Please don’t mention that might have something to do with the styling and photography!)

Then I went back and re-read the recipe and saw it called for HALF a 28 oz can of whole tomatoes, not a whole one.  Well, I’m sure it will still taste good, just a little more tomato-y than curry-y.

The nice looking photo above is from The Yellow Table blog, which I’ve just discovered and looks great.  She is hosting March Wellness and I thought I’d be inspired.  This recipe was truly SO easy, I will definitely make it again – with half a can of tomatoes!

I think I will even make it for the boys for their Afternoon Program snack next week.  Hope they like it!

By the way, it’s delicious as is, especially with some creamy, cool guacamole topping it!

(PS: I really can’t stand plain chickpeas/garbanzo beans on salad for example but really like them in dishes – give them a try if you think you don’t care for them.)

Sometimes on Sundays . . .

I like to take the day to read and relax and be by myself mostly.  Other days, I like to have the boys in, in groups of “brothers” and cook and sort and putz around.  I do so love to putz around!  I get a lot done on those days.  Today has been one of them.

Here’s the makings of a few different things.  First, “Brinjela Conserve” also known as Eggplant, um, conserve?  Not sure what to call it but it’s yummy.  My Brazilian friend Clara taught me to make it last week, so good. I also made guacamole and an avocado hand scrub moisturizer I found on a blog, from-fresh-tomatoes tomato sauce for the first time last night and these tomatoes will also go toward gazpacho soup for the first time as soon as I get a cucumber. 

Here’s my cute-patoot helper, Manuel, who was so proud to be cooking!  He stirred so carefully and none slopped over (more than I can say for myself) or burned.  The boys love to help me cook.

We had a special visitor today, Feliciano, who moved to the next dorm in January.  Things are so improved for him since we had two visitors, sisters, Charlotta  and Victoria, who have sponsored him for adult diapers for a year.  He can sit on my cushions now!  Thanks again ladies!

I found a fun toy by Melissa & Doug at a new shop in town, a little café with special gifts and kids toys.  Not cheap but not much more than you’d pay in the US and I don’t have to figure out how to get it here.  They have fantastic quality toys, using lots of wood.  This one is magnetic, enclosed in the plastic screen so you can lose the pieces, and you fill in the shapes with the matching color pieces.  the boys love it!  (I added a link to the Amazon site of Melissa & Doug products above, I recently signed up to be an Amazon Associate.  I love giving people small revenue if I buy something through a link on their site so I thought I would try it here.   No pressure, just a disclaimer!  But hey, if you buy Melissa & Doug on Amazon, why not buy it through this link?!)

Check out my new lime green baskets I bought to get the boys toys organized instead of everything dumped in some random old boxes on the shelves.  Love the difference small things can make.

Felix hurt his knee so you’re seeing three parts of the RICE prescription for sprains/swelling:  Rest, Compression and Elevation. Lucas wore himself out playing with his cups with Felix. 

And here’s the finished project!  What would you call this?  Be nice - I know, it doesn’t look too appealing, even in person, the taste is better than the look.  And I’m no food photographer, but I wanted you to see what me and Manuel made!

Bonus:  Yummy beetroot salad with feta cheese and toasted slivered almonds, both of which make everything taste amazing! 

How was your Sunday?

Being a kid is so fun!

Saturday Night Sleepover included the movie Annie and only Pai watched it beginning to end.  At this stage, the other boys were playing.  Pai decided to play AND watch – with binoculars!  Love him!

Visitors

Well, I have been a little desperate for visitors lately but didn’t think I’d have to resort to my Froggie Friends!   Three days in a row I’ve had frogs visit me In my house – what’s going on?

Do you think it’s the sunflower seeds they’re after?  Imagine if he had jumped in my bag and I reached in my hand to get some – yikes!

I love froggies but really, I prefer to visit with them outside.

This one wanted no photographic evidence of his breaking and entering!

So, can I have a regular friend come visit me now?  Anyone?

An Anniversary Celebration

What a fun night out to dinner to celebrate me and my ten years here in Moz with some of my lovely friends!  Wendy and Tracey asked me to dinner to celebrate and I have looked forward to it all week.  In fact, it made the day kind of feel like my birthday!

It was so nice to get to Sophie’s Restaurant discover several other friends were invited!  What a great surprise!

We had fun talking about Top Ten Things about Moz and Least Ten Things about Moz as well.   On the way home, we started my Top Ten Weird Things about Moz which had us laughing the whole way, but that list will have to be continued!

Sarah and her husband Roberto brought me a gift of ten of several items that are quintessentially Mozambique.  Ten bajeas (not pictured cuz we ate them-the black bag represents them), ten loose candies you can buy anywhere at any time from anyone, ten Mcel credit vouchers you can buy from anyone, anywhere at any time, ten “caldo” packets, which is chicken bouillon – the red and yellow rooster packet is famous here!  And, reminded them of me in Mozambique – ten cans of Coke Lite!  So clever!

Thanks for treating me to dinner friends and being such a special part of my life in Mozambique!

(Bonus:  the weather being cool enough to wear my hear down for a nice dinner out!)

A Little Party for About 70 boys!

Yes, it did cross my mind that I’m a little bit crazy.  But I’ve also gotten better at asking for help in my old age so I didn’t do everything myself.  Here’s the scoop:

To celebrate being here ten years, I decided to invite all the kids who have lived here (those that are still living on the center) over for a little party, which here means food!  I had originally hoped to try and invite all the boys who’ve ever lived here, even those who have moved, but that just wasn’t feasible.  I meant to do it Saturday, my actual anniversary, but everything I bought for the party was stolen out of my car.  

So I thought I would have it Tuesday instead, tonight, but last night it sounded a bit much so I decided to skip it.  Today on my weekly grocery trip, a friend asked if I was going to have the party and there and then I decided sure, why not!  The above photo shows the state of the kitchen during preparations. 

On the menu were some of the items I’ve served consistently over the years for parties or snacks, so it would be like comfort food (hopefully!) for the boys:  spaghetti with meat sauce, hard boiled egg, popcorn, choice of soda or milk (about 1/4 chose milk In case you’re wondering), a biscuit spread with peanut butter and smiley face raisins for dessert (I don’t do cakes, much to my boys’ chagrin) and a piece of gum as they walked out the gate!

Good grief, where did these men come from?  Some of my “darling boys” are all grown up!!  At  almost 4pm I had the idea to make photo collages for the walls of old photos over the years.  It was the hit of the party!  They loved looking for photos of themselves as well as old friends who no longer live here.  And the younguns loved seeing photos of the older boys when they were little!

I kept saying, to myself and anyone who would listen, “aren’t they gorgeous?  aren’t they darling?  look at all of them, how wonderful!”  If I wasn’t running around so much, I would have been very gushy.

I spoke for just three minutes or so, saying how much I’ve enjoyed being in the dorm, how they know me and know I’m not perfect and sometimes I yell and sometimes I hug and sometimes I play and sometimes I scold them, but always I try and love them and feel loved by them1

I had lots of help from Ben, Rachel, Alta, Charlotte and Sue, I couldn’t have done it without them.  And the tias blessed me by doing all the washing up of the plates and cups before I could even get to say goodbye to all the  boys!  Thankful for that I can tell ya!

Thank you Lord for an adventurous ten years, full of amazing boys.

Ten Years. TEN YEARS?!?!

Unbelievable. I only came for one you know, maybe two. Well, these darling boys have captured my heart and I haven’t been able to leave them. And God hasn’t told me it’s time . So, here I still am, a few more years than I’d planned, loving life, loving God, loving my darling boys.

Ten “Take-Aways” from Ten Years

Knowing Pedro

Unlike a mom who looks at her newborn child moments after birth, I didn’t kn ow the moment I saw Pedro that he would change my life and heart so dramatically. He was one of many, many precious boys in our center who clamored for my attention, calling out “Mana Laura!” whenever he saw me and running up to take my hand and be content to just walk with me. He was six years old. He was gorgeous. And although I didn’t know it that moment, it didn’t take me long to realize he had stolen my heart and he became my constant companion. I could write books about Pedro but suffice to say that although I could never adopt him, he was the son of my heart, God placed him there just as surely as he places a baby in a mother’s womb. My love for him is deeper than I have ever loved anyone else. I am so grateful for the gift of Pedro in my life – he is the child I came here to Mozambique to find.

Losing Pedro

Eight years later, in September 2010, I lost my darling Pedro in a drowning accident. He was 14 years old. It was excruciating and I feel his loss every day, keenly. My heart has never hurt like that before or since. But God, in his mercy, reminded me that while my heart might be broken, it is not dead. And I can trust him to repair it in a way that, while it may be forever marked by my grief over losing Pedro, it is still capable of being vibrant and full and loving.

God is responsible for the results, not me.

About a year or so after Pedro’s death, I had what I have since called a mini-breakdown. One night, while carrying a bowl of apples out to the dining room to the boys (about 35 of them), it all became too much. I turned around (with the bowl of apples still in my arms) and went back into my room and broke down. I ranted and raved at God as I have never done before or since. I poured out my heart full of grief over Pedro, full of frustration over too many boys and too little of me, over my inability to fix them, and really isn’t that God’s job after all? After about 30 minutes of that, I decided to go walk on the soccer field to try and calm down. I did apologize to God for being so disrespectful but in a calmer manner, told him everything I had said – shouted actually – was true and exactly how I felt and what in the world could we – He actually – do about it? He reminded me that indeed it is his job to “fix them” so to speak and my job is simply to obey him. I cannot be everything they need. But I needed more than that. I asked God, “what exactly is my legacy here, what AM I giving these boys?” He was so gracious in his response – “these boys know that they are loved by you . . . and that is no small thing.” I’m so glad in my imperfect, not-enough-of-me way, I can love these boys and leave the results up to God.

Thabo

Precious Thabo is the first boy I met personally with such visible suffering. The effects of abuse and neglect were obvious on his precious little body, so thin at 8 years old and weighing 23 pounds. But what a champion spirit he had! What a love for life and for people, what curiosity and love he contained in that frail little body. Ultimately, in spite of our efforts and his determination, his body could not recover and he passed away. He was the first person I knew so well to suffer from the terrible disease of HIV/AIDS. It was no longer a statistic or an idea or something happening to someone else, it was a disease stealing the life away from someone I loved. I am so grateful to be here in Mozambique loving on all my boys, sick and healthy, thin and chubby, neglected and loved. But what a unique and rare privilege to be one of the people chosen by God to love and care for Thabo in the way he should have been by his family.

God’s provision

In my ten years here in Mozambique, I have never ceased to be amazed at God’s amazing provision for me (and my boys!) through the generosity of people: friends, family and strangers as well. I have been the recipient of some amazing “big gifts” – like $1500 from someone I didn’t even know! But I’ve also been blessed by many, many small gifts that all add up to regular provision. One precious woman started out supporting me with $2 a month! She told me she has on her fridge that she is trusting God to give me $5000 but she didn’t hesitate to start small. (she’s up to $16 a month now!) It has taught me to trust God to bless people with “big gifts,” even sacrificially, but also that no gift is ever too small.

I’m courageous!

I never knew I was courageous, I never thought of myself that way. Not too long after I moved here to Mozambique, a friend was telling me what she saw in me and one of the first things she said was that I was courageous (thank you Kelly O’Delly!). I was so surprised. Reflecting upon that, I realized if you had asked me to list ten positive qualities about myself, courageous wouldn’t even have made the list. And yet, I realized, it’s true, I am courageous. Moving to Mozambique isn’t the first courageous choice I’ve made and it won’t be the last. It may though be the biggest. But then again, maybe it won’t! You never know what is in store with the Lord!

I’m made of clay and I break, sometimes easily.

So although I’ve discovered I am courageous, I have equally discovered that I am God’s chosen vessel, but made of clay, meaning I can break. And will break. And crack. And chip. I am weak and it is only in God’s strength that I am made capable to serve him and serve others. So I trust God and I take risks and I move forward and learn and grow. But I also get angry and sad and lack faith and run and try and hide. I offend others and get offended. I am in no way perfect. And God knew that when he sent me to Mozambique. And he chose me to go anyway. How lovely.

If you want to help people in need, it is messy, not neat and tidy, nor smooth and easy.

One day I was lamenting how hard it is to help people. How confusing it can be to make the right choices. How frustrating when you try and help people and they don’t want to change. How flat-out annoying it can be to give of yourself and have people treat your offering like it’s nothing, or worse, like it’s never enough. I was driving home from the city in traffic mulling this over and I heard God very clearly speak to me, saying, Laura, if you want to help people in genuine need, it will always be messy. People whose lives are neat and tidy don’t need your help. So, you need to decide, either you want to help people and therefore, you’re willing to get messy, or you can choose to stay neat and tidy and the easy road – but you’re not going to help very many people that way. I am so grateful God challenged me in this. I still sometimes long for things to be easy and tidy but more than that, I long to help people who need it.

I used to know so much more than I do now!

I recall a conversation I had with a couple other missionaries a couple years ago. One was newer and said “I realize you have to be here a year or two to understand the culture.” The other gal and I, who had each been here several more years, looked at each other then turned and replied to her, “you have to be here a couple years to understand that you understand NOTHING about the culture!” Now it’s not as cut and dried as all that, learning happens along the journey, it’s an ongoing process. But each of us found the idea of it true – that it takes a long time in a new culture to realize how little you actually know because things are so different that you cannot grasp all that you have not grasped! Similarly, in areas beyond the new culture of Mozambique, I have discovered that I have far more questions than answers at this age than I ever used to. I am still opinionated, still a thinker and like to analyze and critique. I hope that never changes actually. But I am much less certain of my conclusions than I ever was. I have began the discovery of just how much I don’t actually know. And I’m learning to be ok with that.

My Darling Boys

Lots of them! In fact, lots of them at one time! I haven’t been able to figure out how many darling little boys have passed through my dorm in the last nine years I’ve worked in it. I know it’s been a lot though. And each one is unique and lovely and deserving of so much love and personal attention. Deserving of more than I have been able to give them and yet, it has been my privilege to try. I have to trust that God has multiplied my efforts and filled in the missing spaces for each one of these precious boys’ lives. As much as I have loved them, it’s so cool to remember that God loves them so much more and is ever at work in their lives. My Darling Boys are His Darling Boys as well!

A è para Aviao!

The lovely Susanna blessed us by HAND DRAWING a Portuguese language alphabet poster for us!! Isn’t it beautiful?  Hand drawn and colored in, now the boys will see A is for aviao instead of apple, which starts with an M here!

Susanna was such a blessing to me and my boys, I really enjoyed having her here.  She’s gone back to England now but  we won’t soon forget her, especially when I get my poster laminated and up on the wall!

Who else wants to come and be a blessing and have some fun?

Puzzling!

These boys are getting really good at puzzles!  Adilson, above, who is  one of the youngest, got his done lickity split as he seems to have finally gotten the hang of trying to match colors or patterns.

Paulito, who had very little color variation in his, still worked his out in only a few minutes!  Yay!

And, in case you’re wondering if I  make amazing homemade bread from that cookbook in the background, the answer would be “not a one!”  But I did get in for $1 at an expat yard sale here so it was a nice find and who knows, maybe this winter! I’m sure not heating up the house that much this time of year!

Brothers!

For new readers, or those of you who’ve read my blog for awhile but not memorized all of it, a quick recap:

Several years ago I had quite an age range of boys and the older ones were hitting and fighting with the younger ones.  God gave me an idea out of the blue while driving one day – “brothers.  put them in brothers.”  So I invited them to choose little brothers and the problems in the dorm decreased by about 80%, it was amazing!

It has become a tradition that the boys enjoy and every year after the changing of the dorms, the new oldest boys select  new brothers.  They love it!

This year, the way the numbers worked out, there are eight older brothers with two younger brothers each.  A couple boys aren’t pictured.  Wait –is Spiderman a brother too??

I was trying for a unique spot for each photo so was getting a little desperate with this one but they liked it!  The third brother, Latifo, will arrive tomorrow from the transition house. 

I always wanted a brother!  Someone should have just assigned me one!